What’s the Rumpus?

Ah, fringe Mormons.  We’re used to stories of child-raping polygamists, communities where the girls become Wife #9 at age 12, and the boys are excommunicated (officially, due to acts of disgrace like for wearing t-shirts and listening to music) in an effort to offset the freakish gender imbalance.  We find their more mainstream cultural views harmlessly naif, like those of someone who would wear acid washed elastic-banded Velcro strapped jeans to fit in when visiting America.  Personally, I miss the morality advertisements[1].  Yeah, yeah, world was created 6,000 years ago in 6 days and evidence contrary was placed there to test our faith.  Simple enough, but sometimes, these guys have gotten really, really creative.  You see, when a religion is based on the belief that God talked to a dude in the last couple of generations, it produces an inherently more trusting following that is more likely to break-off and start fringier and fringier sects.  The single physically least feasible religious belief of all is purportedly believed by 4% of Mormons:  Hollow Earth Theory.

 

So, some Mormons believe that the earth is hollow, that there is a star in the center, that the inside of the earths crust is habitable (with the internal sun operating like our external one, as far as providing necessary bio-energy), that this inner-earth contains a society that is Utopian in nature (perhaps started by the lost tribes of Israel and ruled by a direct descendant of King David, perhaps by the Nephites following their being smote by the Lamanites), that there is an opening at the poles, that many arctic explorers including Admiral Byrd and Admiral Perry came upon this world accidentally and didn’t know they had entered inner-earth, et cetera, and that evidence otherwise is eventually to be proven wrong or misunderstood once science catches up with their faith. 

Due to global warming, the poles have never been more accessible, if you happen to have a nuclear ice-breaking ship.  In the world, other than military ships, there are 4 nuclear powered cargo ships (the Mutsu of Japan, the Otto Hahn of Germany (do you take the Autobahn to arrive on the Otto Hahn?), the NS Savannah domestically and the Sevmorput of Russia.  Unfortunately for the US, Japan and Germany, these HMS Nukes do not have ice-breaking capabilities.  There are 9 nuclear icebreakers in existence, all made by the former Soviet Union: the Lenin, the Arktika, the Sibir, the Rossiya, the Taimyr, the Sovjetskij Soljuz, the Vaigach, the Ural and the Yamal. 

The Yamal is the youngest nuclear icebreaker in existence, and was created to keep ice lanes open when our wars were colder (sorry), but following the fall of the soviet empire and the privatization of all things state, now carries adventure expeditions (such as one on New Years Eve of the millennium to the North Pole).  Because the Yamal (and the other Russian icebreakers) need frigid water to cool their nuclear reactors, these ships are stuck in the far Northern Hemisphere, and will never explore the South Pole.

40 years ago, a man named Jack Currey in Southern Utah (read: Jack McMormon of Mormonberg, Utah) accidentally invented self-bailing rubber rafts, giving rise to the adventure expedition whitewater rafting industry and a company now run by his son Steve Currey that has become "the largest and safest river running company in the world."  In addition to river rafting trips in the US, Chile, India, China and Africa, Steve Currey Expeditions offers exotic treks in Patagonian Chile, Tibet and India; sea kayaking in Patagonian Chile, Hawaii, Exumas Bahamas, Fiji and Micronesia; and fly fishing on Tierra Del Fuego.

So, as you’ve probably guessed by now, due to global warming and the availability of the Yamal, Steve Currey will finally be able to charter a cruise/expedition to Inner-Earth.  Details here, but allow me to procure for you a highlight.  Ahem:

The Voyage to Hollow Earth Itinerary [!]

Day 1	Depart for Moscow, Russia. You will need to arrange your own airfare to Moscow.
Day 2	Arrive in Moscow.  You will be staying at the Hotel Rossiya (Russia) located by St. Basil’s Cathedral. Spend the rest of the day sightseeing Moscow.
Day 3	Finish your sightseeing of Moscow in morning. You will take an afternoon flight to Murmansk, Russia where we will board the Russian Icebreaker YAMAL.
Days 4-7	Enjoy yourself en route to North Pole on the YAMAL.
Day 8	Spend the day at the North Pole and even call home to talk to family or friends!  [emphasis not mine]
Days 9-11	Start the search for the North Polar Opening to the Inner Continent.
Days 12-14	Once found, travel up Hiddekel River to City of Jehu. *  [gotta read the fine print, that's how they getcha]
Days 15-16	Take a monorail [monorail!] trip to City of Eden to visit Palace of the King of the Inner World.  [suhweet!]
Days 17-18	Return trip back to City of Jehu on the monorail. We will then continue our journey through the North Polar Opening, on board the Yamal, for the return trip home.
Days 19-23	Enjoy the trip back to Murmansk.  [anti-climax, you say? Definitely, with that attitude.]
Day 24	Catch a flight from Murmansk to Moscow. You can then catch your connecting flight back to your hometown.

• Please note that if we are unable to find the Polar opening, we will be returning via the New Siberian Islands to visit skeleton remains of exotic animals thought to originate from Inner Earth.

The answer to your next question:  $18, 950.  Sounds a little steep, but don’t forget that covers the 2 monorail rides and a visit to the king.

[1]  Kids outside playing baseball….Bat—CRASH Neighbor comes out singing: "Who broke my window" (Telling the truth isn’t going to be easy) "Glass- everywhere you look…Who broke my window" (Why is my stomach all nervous and queasy?) "Aah….some kids’ ball…..who could the little culprit be, who threw this ball, did someone see?" (He’s so mad, I’m really scared) "Aw, kids these days, they don’t care" (Mr. Robertson, Mr. Robertson) "What a horrible mess" (I broke your window, with my ball) "YOU??" (And I’ve come to confess) "You knew I’d be angry" (YES) "Aren’t you afraid?" (YES) "You’ll have to pay for this mess you’ve made, but I’m proud of you child, for you have display…HONOR…the stuff from which heroes are made" (I TOLD THE TRUTH) "He told the truth!"   – brought to you by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 28th, 2005 at 2:14 pm and is filed under Current Affairs, History, Religion, Science, Travel. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.